Being overly concerned with family problems and needs
Many times it is normal for us to feel overwhelmed when trying to mediate between family members who have had an argument.
And much more when we try to help our family if it is going through a bad time and everyone comes to us to put us in charge of that situation, forcing us to give them a masterful response that solves the situation (and that they also like it and with the that they feel they get their maximum benefit from it).
How to manage worry about family problems?
I want you to stop and think about how up to now you have helped your brother, your mother, or the relative in question that he has demanded (not asked, be careful) that you solve the tie so that his life can be better, or worse still, when two relatives have put you in the middle of the hurricane so that you help them fix a problem that between them two has passed.
Look closely, at that moment you are putting on the county sheriff’s badge, and you are taking full responsibility for the problem that occurs. For this, first of all I want you to look at several aspects.
1. One thing is the duty to help a relative and another is misunderstood help
It seems very good to me that if your brother is looking for a car you can give him some advice on stores to go to (this would be his duty to help), but you would be giving misunderstood help if you told him what make and model to buy. The key here would be to give the tool for the other to achieve happiness; do not try to give him what you think is his happiness, since you would be ahead of his emotions and imposing yours, and when this happens we fall into arguments.
2. Time tunnel
I ask you to be cautious or cautious with the sensations you feel and to stop and think about what happens to you when these toxic emotions are occurring. Stop them right there to avoid going through bad processes and enter that tunnel that begins with a simple discomfort and ends up leading you to torture yourself for, supposedly, being a bad family member. STOP, don’t go around.
3. The tyranny of should
I want that you change the “should” for “I would like”. For example, replace “my sister should have called me” with “I wish my sister had called me.” That will help you streamline everything better.
4. You have your rights
You have the right to your free time, you have the right to disconnect from WhatsApp, you have the right, ultimately, to your personal space.
The importance of setting limits
It is also important that you set yourself limits so as not to exceed them. First of all you have to know that of so many times you have had bad contact with them, you already think that all the times they call you are going to be due to negative things, so you will be with the gun loaded. I propose these key points.
1. I do not have to return a call at the exact moment I have been called
For example, it is recommended that you adopt this mentality: “if I’m driving and they call me, I’ll finish driving and call them” (please do not confuse this with special situations such as a relative’s operation or other health issues).
2. Not always that they contact you is to express something bad
You have to understand that on many occasions a simple call can mean a question that may arise for the other person at the time.
3. Your free time you deserve it
No more going out for a walk with friends and thinking about “what are they doing” or “I’m having a good time, and they will be bad.” These thoughts you have to understand as automatic, and they are little tricks that your brain puts you. Nothing will happen because one day you want to disconnect. You deserve it!
4. Your responsibility is not infinite
with this I mean that If you have helped a family member and you see that he continues with the same way of acting, ask yourself if it is really you who should help him; perhaps it will be better to propose the help of another specialist or take another position yourself.
5. Calling once a day is enough
You are not required to always be on the lookout. If they have a problem they know who to turn to, they have your number, and you will be happy to help them.. If fortunately that person is not experiencing any problems at home, do not try to find them by calling insistently.
Obviously you have to know that there are problems in the family that need more concern than others; I don’t want you to confuse my words and think that I am telling you not to pay attention to sick relatives or those with serious problems; these key ideas are simply to address those cases of emotional dependence that we sometimes create Based on being aware of relatives who are unfortunately a bit toxic.